A moment of clarity

It has been too long.

Grief is never overcome by mundane life, it remains a newly formed scab forever. A little bit of picking at it, even if unintentional, sets the blood trickling again.

Sometimes the loneliness that envelopes everything just because of one person missing in your life is overwhelming. A moment of clarity, of purpose, is all that it takes to get one’s life back in order – but the scab remains, waiting to be picked on.

I have never been a very spiritual person. I honestly don’t know what to believe. I equally respect views of spirituality, religion and atheism – no judgement whatsoever. I have, however, been absolutely sure that my mother watches over me. I don’t know how, I just believe. I know the cynics will state that it is my inability to cope with her loss that is making me believe in this. Sometimes I feel like I may be grasping at straws, making something out of absolutely nothing. But that doesn’t stop me from believing.

I recently went through a loss. A loss that I had not prepared for, something I was sure I would not let myself feel ever again. I gave someone the ability to hurt me. Hindsight is always 20/20. But getting through this tough time in my life, I kept asking my mother – why? Why did you let this happen to me? Why can’t you fix everything for me – you have the power to do this… I begged and pleaded to her. But, in the end, what was over was over. It was time to deal with reality.

In the depth of sorrow, the loneliness was drowning me. I felt like everybody had “their person”. I felt my mother left me and now I was all by myself. The interesting thing about depression is that it can engulf you in a world of selfishness. Where nothing else matters other than your feelings of self-pity and hatred at everything even remotely happy. There ceases to be any hope for reprieve and any effort to stop the cycle is too daunting a task to take on. I remember wondering whether my mother was ever depressed. I wondered if she had ever felt pain comparable to what I was feeling. I wondered how she felt about leaving me alone in this big, bad world.

A week back I had a moment of clarity. I am unsure where it came from. I had it in the middle of the day while lazing around. No alcohol involved, no friend’s/family’s words of advice or support. It was nothing short of enlightening. Something made me think of what I want to do in life. Not about work/money/love/future. I started thinking about what I always wanted to do, but kept putting off. What is it that would make me happy as an individual full of hopes and dreams?…

Funnily enough, I realized having a partner in my life was never something that made me happy. I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to run a marathon, I wanted to go skydiving, I want to learn how to drive - finally! Not one of these needed a partner. I never had dreams of a husband and children. I never dreamed of being a doting wife or having a devoted husband. My mother lived her entire life for her family. She devoted her life for her children’s well-being, for their future and their dreams. I was not that person, I did not want to be that person. Not yet.

I have started a new chapter in my life. Where I live my life on my own terms. Where I stop trying so hard to make people love me – because honestly I couldn’t give a damn. A few years from now this might change but for now this is me – thanks to my amazing mother, I am a glorious being. Love and lust are just feelings as a result of hormones, feelings that have evolved to keep the human race reproducing. It is funny how much time and effort we put into this whole fiasco of finding a partner and living with them. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a cynic when it comes to love. I just believe there are things way more significant.

I believe my mother is my guardian angel. She gave me that moment of clarity because no one else I know at this moment in my life could have been so rational. For now, I live for myself – because I am not ready to sacrifice just as yet. I have too many dreams to fulfil before that point comes in my life. I know my mother would have wanted me to be happy. I know she is smiling down on me as I embark on this new journey of life.