Choosing between life and death

We have so much power as doctors, it scares me. Power is sometimes an excuse to misuse responsibility. We see it all around us; with powerful nations and leaders, but have you wondered if you have misused power? Have you ever shunned responsibility and used your power to manipulate? The line between right and wrong is best described as grey. And the grey line morosely crossed more often than thought about. How does one choose death over life? When is it alright to give up?

Being on the other side of the medical system is an awful wake-up call –I wouldn’t wish it on my greatest enemy. Waiting tirelessly for hours on end for the few minutes, sometimes seconds that the white coat can spend with you is frustrating, to put it lightly. We had a system, my mother and I. She used to get her treatment for the day, we used to have a great lunch and then wait. Wait for hours. Wait for our turn. Sometimes I used to ask for favors from doctors I knew to decrease our waiting time. At other times I thought it unfair to rest of the countless waiting patients. In the end it was the same. A couple of precious minutes where we had to scourge our brains to remember every single query we had, lest we forget to ask something vital. And then it was the ride back home going over every word that was spoken. Reiterating every response, weighing in on every pause, imagining probable and at times ridiculous hidden meanings. Were there any unsaid words? Were there any unasked questions? Were there any words of manipulation? Was there blind, unthinking trust?

And then comes the shattering moment when the doctor says it is time to give up. Unforgettable, unforgivable, unimaginably painful. And you wonder why. You wonder if you did not follow every recommendation to the t. You wonder if it was your fault or his. And this is when the power that is misused comes to place. Doctors that give hope when there is none and doctors who take away hope to allot their time to more fruitful ventures.

This post stems from me being on both sides of the system. This post is me confessing to misusing the power more times than I am comfortable with. Giving up and giving hope – I am guilty of both. When is it alright to say choose death over life? Is it really for the white coat to decide? And if it wasn't, would you as a patient ever make the right choice? Is it acceptable suicide for a patient to give up? Is it legal murder for a doctor to give up? Is it foolish to keep fighting?

I think I would fight till the end. But I have never been the one suffering, I have only watched. A spectator up close, but a spectator nonetheless. Sometimes giving up is the braver choice. Sometimes you fight only for the ones you love. Sometimes the white coat’s words are just a way out of suffering - a way out you were hoping and praying for.

The only lesson I have learnt is – weigh your words. When you are wearing that white coat know that people trust you more than you can imagine. All I can do is try my best. And I think from somewhere out there my mother will guide me.