Unconditional and at times unrequited

What could I have done differently? This is a question that haunts every person who has lived through an incident that has made them weep. There are times when I wonder if I loved my mother enough. Did I love her as much as she deserved? The answer is undoubtedly an emphatic no. I would like to think she was my first priority before every decision in life; but the truth is far from it. In a way I feel she made sure she was not my first priority – she never wanted to be the sole reason for me making a particular decision affecting my life. I know nothing would have hurt her more than feeling she was tying me down, little did she know that she is the one who made me believe I had wings to fly in the first place. What hurts me is not that I did not love her enough but that she loved me more than I deserved. But I guess a mother’s love is that way – unconditional and at times unrequited.

I was four and had just begun school. Being the youngest in the family; school, at the time, was something I was super excited about. I remember hating that I was too young to begin school while my sisters got to get up early, dress up and leave with big bags full of books. The excitement quite obviously was short lived. It is hilarious how the grass is always greener on the other side. As days passed I remember all I had to talk about at home was my new class teacher, Mrs Nafia. She was really pretty and the nicest person I had met – she never got angry at me, which was a welcome change I was getting used to. One day I was telling my sister who is two years older to me how much I loved Mrs Nafia because she always said nice things about me when my sister asked me a really tough question. She asked me whether I loved Mrs Nafia more than our mother. At first I wondered why she would ask me such a question because comparison was not something I was used to doing. After a lot of thought I told her that I did. I still remember the shock, disbelief and look of contempt on my sister’s face. And then she sat me down and told me that what I had told her was unacceptable. She told me mothers love us forever but others come and go. She taught me that we are supposed to love our mother more than anybody else in the world. I remember asking her why and she replied she did not know but she knew that it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do. It still makes me smile that a six year old taught a four year old this.

Years passed and when I was in junior school my friend and I decided to pay a visit to kindergarten again. I was thrilled to have the chance to meet Mrs Nafia again and kept telling my friend about how she was undoubtedly my favorite teacher of all time. Mrs Nafia did not recognize me. What hurt me more was that she recognized my friend. Going back home that day from school I remember thinking to myself how childishly I had proclaimed I loved her more than my own mother. My eight year old mind was in awe looking at my mother that day. She dealt with the worst of me and still loved me more than any other in the world.

No matter whose opinions I heeded more than hers, no matter whose comfort I prioritized more than hers, no matter how many times I turned a deaf ear to her needs, I knew she would never dream of doing the same to me. My priorities were always her priorities, my dreams were her dreams, and my opinions were the only ones she needed to make a decision. She loved me more than anyone else in the world – because not doing so was simply unacceptable to her.

I wish I could have been a better person for you Amma. I wish I loved you more every moment of my life. I wonder if that would have made a difference. I miss you terribly today and I just wanted you to know, I just didn't know better. You have taught me to never be tied down by anyone, you taught me to soar the skies and achieve my dreams. The only way I have now to show you I love you more than anything else in the world is to remember you with every success I have and know that your love is the only reason I am here today. And there is nothing more true than that. I love you, Amma - forever.