Fear is a favored companion of the unknown. What we do not
know, we fear.
I do not know whether there is heaven; I do not know if
there are spirits; I do not know if there exists anything after death. The
vastness of my ignorance is baffling...
But what I know need not be the limit to what I choose to
believe. Beliefs can serve as a support system; especially in sorrow - when
doubts start creeping up about everything we thought we knew. These doubts can
sow seeds of fear because, as I mentioned : Fear is a favored companion of the
unknown. I was about 4 years old when I first dealt with this
dilemma.
Every evening my mom used to bathe me before having dinner
and putting me to bed. During these baths, every time she poured water over my
head I kept my eyes shut and my 4 year old imagination took a life of its own.
I used to imagine my mother turning into a big crocodile that would eat me up
unless I opened my eyes immediately. This was terrifying for me and since I
knew I could not solve this "big problem" myself, I approached my
"big sister" who was 6 years old at the time and
"all-knowing". After careful consideration, my sister realized this
was too complex a problem for her to solve since she had no solid proof that my
mother was really not a child-eating crocodile in a "mother suit".
She told me that I should confront my mother myself. And so, that evening while
my mother was bathing me, I told her about my fear of her eating me up. Now
when I think back to that instant and put myself in my mother's shoes, I know I
would have probably completely lost it. After a tough day of cooking and
cleaning and handling three children - all of us under 10 years - she must have
been exhausted to say the least. But instead of telling me to shut up, she asked
me to keep my eyes open to make sure she was not turning into a child-eating
crocodile. This, however, did not solve my problem. Firstly, keeping my eyes
open and trying to see through pouring water was painfully difficult. Secondly, she could still be a crocodile just waiting for a chance to eat me up and this would require my constant vigilance - which was too big a price to pay for a 4 year old. So, I explained in detail why
keeping my eyes open was not going to work out as a solution. After keeping mum
for a while my mother said, "You will just have to trust me."
This was how my mother taught me what the meaning of trust
was. This was how my mother taught me trust can be the flame that shows the path
through the darkness of fear.
This may not have been a life altering experience then. It
may not have completely crushed the creeping doubts of my mother being a
crocodile. But I learnt to trust her more every day since that day. And it is
that trust that shows me light through the darkness I am facing today. I trust
my mother is looking out for me, wherever she is, and will save me from the big,
bad crocodiles in life. And hence, I do not fear the unknown.
P.S.: Hope you had a great birthday yesterday, Amma… We miss
you.
